


And I Said, It's Alright

by AtlasConnor



Category: The Beatles (Band)
Genre: Angst, Crying Paul McCartney, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Everyones worried and trying to help, Fuck the reporters being rude about Paul, Hurt Paul McCartney, Hurt/Comfort, Paul has an eating disorder, Protective John Lennon, Sad Paul McCartney, Theres like two other stories about this topic and it makes me upset
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:54:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28966428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AtlasConnor/pseuds/AtlasConnor
Summary: The Beatles are touring America, an exciting and happy time for everyone in the band, except for one Beatle, who’s too busy trying to keep his disorder under wraps, oh and to try not to pass out, that’s pretty important too.Trigger Warning: This is going to feature a really realistic look inside what an eating disorder looks like. I’m not a specialist or anything but this is based on what I experienced from suffering from one!Chapters might come out a little slow at times since I am in school!
Comments: 25
Kudos: 42





	1. Chapter 1

**“Cute Beatle Gaining Weight?”**

**“Many Beatles fans have begun to notice that Paul McCartney, singer and bassist of the popular band ‘The Beatles’ has been gaining a couple of extra pounds while on their world tour! We have people here with us today to express their opinions on the matter at hand.”**

**“I think he was more attractive when he was on the thinner side, I mean, he hasn’t gained THAT much weight in my opinion, but he was better-looking without all those extra pounds” -Scarlett Johnson, age 19, Florida**

**“Honestly, I don’t like it {weight gain} I don’t even know how he gained so much since he’s been out touring and such, but I guess having so much take out will do it to you..” - Ana Jones, age 23, Virginia**

Paul skimmed through the quotes in the newspaper, looking for something positive. Why did so many people have an opinion on what he did with his body anyway?

**_“At Least we know he ain’t on any hard drugs” -Jonathon Davis, age 26, Texas_ **

**** Paul felt panic claw up his throat. Had he really gained that much so fast?

**_“I don’t even know why we call him ‘The Cute Beatle’ anymore, I think ‘The Fat Beatle’ fits better”-Margret Smith, age 17, California_ **

_ Ouch _ , that one stung. He felt tears welling up in his eyes making it hard to read the pages. He blinked his eyes a few times before carrying on. There had to be a good one about him? Right?

**_“I think he looks better with the extra weight, he looked a little too thin before!” -Lucy Miller, age 18, Mississippi_ **

**_“I feel sick when I look at him”-Natalie Brown, age 16, New Jersey_ **

It seemed as though after every kind of nice one, a mean opinion would appear. He thought about going on a diet a couple of months back when one of the suits wouldn’t fit as well as it used to, too tight in several places to the point it was uncomfortable to wear. The Beatle went back and forth with it for a while, trying different diets only to stop after a couple of weeks and then trying a different, promising himself this diet would be different. Eventually a month or so back he decided to stop with the whole diet thing since it wasn’t even working and just eat normally. Now though, he regretted that decision. 

“Aye Paul, Whatcha’ readin’?”

**  
**

Paul looked towards the voice to see Ringo staring at him. He quickly folded the article and took a deep breath to collect himself.

“Oh, nothin’ just some silly article about us.” 

“He’s probably reading about how all the birds are fawning over him! Aren’t you Paulie?” John butted in, lounged out on the small sofa in the bus.

Paul felt his face grow hot as he looked back down at the newspaper laying on the small table in front of him ‘ _ No, not at all.’  _ He thought to himself, feeling uneasy.

Was he really that ugly now? That people don’t even find him attractive anymore? That everyone should call him the ‘Fat one’! He didn’t think he was that bad off, but maybe it is because of all the take out and junk food he’s been eating. He suddenly felt a huge wave of disgust crash into him. How had anyone not told him what he was doing? That he shouldn’t eat so much? He wanted to just rip away at his body until nothing was left. 

He decided right then and there to take back what he said a couple of months ago, hell with those silly diets he tried. He promised himself he wasn’t going to fail this one, that no one would even entertain the thought of him being the fat Beatle again.

With that in order, he felt himself grow slightly calmer.

He slowly ripped out a couple of pages and folded them before gently sliding them into his trouser pockets.

**  
  
  
**


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paul's trying his best, the rest are growing slightly suspicious...

It was their third night on their tour in America, and the last one in this city, meaning straight after the concert they had to board the tour bus once again and ride for a couple of hours before arriving at their next hotel.

First, though, they had to start and end this show.

Paul was sitting on the plush sofa in one of the dressing rooms, watching John and George talk as Ringo eagerly watched the conversation, every now and then stuffing a handful of crisps into his mouth.

The bassist didn’t feel well, to say the least. He felt tired and like someone shoved cotton in his brain, and he was so fucking  _ hungry. _ He had eaten close to nothing in the last three days, able to count the food he’s had on one hand, and damn was it biting him in the ass right about now.

It didn’t help that the people who owned the concert building were kind enough to leave them a load of snacks on the coffee table. Small bags of crisps sitting on the table, with small mountains of sweets and a couple of different fruits. The Beatle kept staring at the food, trying to decide just what to do. 

_ Was it worth it? _

He really didn’t want to pass out on stage, that would for sure raise questions and he only just started! But he didn’t want to lose the progress he’s made. 

_ What if he starts eating and can’t fucking stop? If he gains more weight and is officially deemed ‘The Fat One’? Every fucking article will have his face and the headline involving something to do with his weight gain? What if- _

"You alright there, son?”

Paul tore his eyes away from the food and looked to see John sitting on the sofa next to him. Paul scooted farther back to the sofa and swallowed.

__

“Yeah, just nervous about the concert!”

“Well, maybe a pack of crisps can calm your nerves! If you get them before Rings eats them all.” There was a muffled “Hey!” before John threw a small sofa pillow towards the drummer's direction. 

__

The bassist smiled at his bandmates before picking up a small magazine left on the coffee table. He leaned back against the sofa and began to skip through the pages, trying to keep his mind off the hunger.

**“** **Ringo Starr, the current man almost every woman is falling for!”**

__

Paul stared at the article headline, trying to ignore the bout of jealousy that suddenly washed over him. There were multiple pictures of his bandmate in different poses, and under every one of them someone was commenting on his body, and how good he looked, and that he was muscular. Paul hated how jealous he felt. That used to be him, but now the press is too focused on how chubby he looks now, that he isn’t attractive anymore.

__

_ “I feel disgusted looking at him” _

Paul came to the conclusion that restricting his calorie intake wouldn’t be enough. He needed to work out more too. Maybe he could move around more on stage, or go for runs? The Beatle decided he would do just that. Feeling satisfied with himself, he put the magazine done and grabbed a small red apple on the table. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

__

The concert was finally over, John walked off stage and into the dressing room, following closely behind George, only stopping to quickly give one of the crew members his guitar. 

__

John sat down on one of the sofa arms next to where Paul was laying down, his eyes closed. The singer didn’t blame his friend for being knackered; he was jumping around and walking across the stage a lot more than he usually did, which made sense since this was their last concert in this city. 

_   
  
_

“Alright, boys! Good job with the show! I need all four of you on the bus and ready to go in five minutes, if you don’t then we might not make it to the hotel in time which would screw everything up and-well, you understand” Brain stated after walking into the dressing room. John did a playful salute towards him before getting off the sofa and collecting his and Paul's things.

__

By the time he got everything together, Ringo and George were already walking towards the bus (after Ringo grabbed another bag of crisps and stuffed it into his pocket before running out the door). 

__

“Come on Macca, we gotta go,” John whispered, gently pushing at Paul's shoulders.

__

“I’m getting up, I’m getting up just hang on a minute!” Paul slurred, carefully sitting himself up, before standing, trying his best to not make the world spin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

__

John walked into the main room of the bus and plopped down next to George on the couch. 

__

“Is he asleep?” John asked, nodding his head towards Paul, who had his head resting on the window.

__

“Looks like it”

__

John stared at Paul sleeping for a bit, smiling at how peaceful he looked, before digging into his pocket and pulling out a cigarette.

“Come on John! You ain’t supposed to smoke a ciggie in the bus! It’ll stink up the place!”

“Don’t care”

“Ringo, tell him he can’t be smoking in the bus!”

“Hey, John! Come take a look at this…”

Ringo thrust the paper he was reading towards the singer as he began to read it, squinting a tad. 

“What’d they mean Paul’s not attractive anymore? He looks fine!” Ringo exclaimed

“And saying he’s gaining weight and all-”

“-I can read what the article says, Rings”

“Hang on what’s going on?” George asked, taking his attention away from the fanmail he was going through.

John took a long drag from his cigarette, “Listen, they’re just making that shit up because they’re bored, I promise you in a week or two they’ll start writing about how thin he looks or somethin’ like that. It’s nothin’ to worry about!”

“Doesn’t mean it’s right..” Ringo mumbled to himself, going back to reading the paper.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They eventually made it to their destination, everyone grabbing their luggage, even Paul who woke up an hour or so before they arrived, still somehow feeling almost as tired as he was before.

“You and George can share a room, and I’ll share with Paul,” John said Handing the key over to Ringo.

“Oh come on! George snores louder than anyone I’ve ever met!” 

“Well you do too, so you’ll be a perfect match!”

After everyone was settled in, the boys decided to walk down to a small 24-hour diner to get dinner before heading off to bed.

Paul was currently sitting beside John in a booth, skimming through the menu, desperately trying to find something vegetarian and low enough calories he can eat without feeling too guilty. He’d already played the ‘I feel too sick to eat right now!” card twice, and if he played it again a doctor would be called or his friends would start to get suspicious, so he just had to bite the bullet and eat. 

Eventually, the musician settled on the vegetable soup and a cup of coffee, listening to his mates laugh and bicker, occasionally butting into the conversation.

Once the Beatles finished their meal, they paid and walked back to the hotel before parting ways and going into their rooms. 

“I think I’m going to go on a walk.”

John looked up from the book he was reading to stare at Paul as the latter held his breath, waiting for an answer. 

“Alright.”

With that the bassist threw on a coat and opened the hotel door before closing it, deciding he’d run around the street a couple of times in hopes of becoming thinner and more toned. 

John waited for his mate to come back to the room, wondering what has gotten into him that makes him want to go on a walk in the middle of the night. Eventually, the Beatle dozed off before his bandmate could make it back.

A couple of hours later, an exhausted Beatle opened the door to the room as quietly as he could, before closing the door and sneaking over to his bed. Slipping off his clothes and climbing into the welcoming mattress.

  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  


_   
  
  
  
_

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think a lot of vegetarian/vegan people know the pain of looking through a menu trying to find something vegetarian and that looks good!
> 
> Also, this chapter is pretty long! Would love to see a comment on what you think :)
> 
> The next chapter should be out sometime this week!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paul's trying his best. John can't help but think something might be wrong.

They’ve been in the same city for a couple of days, Brian somehow rented a small two-bedroom townhome for them to stay in. This way they won’t be stuck in a tiny hotel room, and so they can get more privacy from their fans. Their manager stated that they would likely be staying there for quite a while since the city they were in was big and that they’ll just stay there while touring neighboring towns and cities. 

The other three boys had just left to go to a buffet a couple of miles away while Paul was laying in his bed, pretending to be asleep in hopes to get out of lunch, and lucky for him, it did. He wanted to actually fall asleep, badly, but the hunger pains that seemed to never stop, wouldn’t let him sleep. He just closed his eyes and folded into himself, hoping for the pain to go away. 

After about twenty minutes of laying in the small bedroom, he and John shared, he decided it was best to get up. Soon enough he was walking up and down the stairs in the townhome. He’d grown a habit of doing this when the boys are away, hoping he’d burn more calories that way and get more muscle. Other than this he would wait until one in the morning, when everyone's sound asleep, to go running around the block for an hour or two, and then sneak back into the house and try his best to fall asleep.

He was  _ so _ tired.

He still told himself he wasn’t bad off, it wasn't like he had an eating disorder or anything. First off, he wasn't even the type of person who would have one. He isn’t a dancer, or a model, or anything that would prompt him to have one; he wasn’t bullied as a child for his weight. Plus, he still ate every day! He never made himself vomit or anything. He’d always have dinner, and he’d eat something if it was given to him by someone. He was just trying to be healthier and better himself, that was all. 

He’s also grown the habit of reading articles more. Anytime he sees an article that even mentions them, he’ll quickly open it and skim through to see if anyone's commented on his body or his appearance. So far, nothings been said, but he doesn’t think that the silence will last long, especially since they have an interview tomorrow. 

Today was their day off, and he and John decided that they’d work on a song once he got back from lunch. And Paul was excited about it! He always loved writing songs, especially when it was with John. But it was just harder to do now. He felt so tired and run down, just wanting to not do anything at all. And it’s hard to come up with lyrics now, every time he’s tried on his own he just ends up marking it out and giving up on it for a while, promising he’ll come back to it eventually. His brain feels foggy and the world’s muffled to him, it takes effort to even pay attention to what people are saying sometimes. He’s hoping that he’ll at least get half a song written without making John too suspicious. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“And I think we could-Paul? Are you listening?” 

Paul opened his eyes and moved his head from where it was resting on his hand to look at his bandmate. 

“Yeah! Sorry, I’m just a little tired today, y’know. What were you saying” Paul replied, telling himself he needs to stop dozing off.

“Are you sure? You aren’t sick or anything are you; I could call and tell Eppy to send a doctor-”

“-I said I’m just tired okay! Can we just finish the song already?” 

Paul really didn’t mean to be angry with him, he just wanted to finish the damn song and eat dinner. 

John looked back at his mate and decided to just leave it alone for once. He went back to telling Paul what he thought they should do with the song, but he couldn’t help the uneasiness spread, he tried to ignore it the best he could but still a single thought ran through his mind, 

_ Somethings wrong with Paul.  _

  
  
  


  
  


  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating for a while! The next chapter should be out in a couple of days though! Also back in the 60's the thought that only teen girls suffer from eating disorders wasn't really a thing! So that's why it wasn't mentioned! Also a small spoiler, the interview is going to cause a lot of talking, outside and inside the band....
> 
> Thank you for reading! I'd love to read what you think in the comments!!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's interview day, and a certain Beatle isn't looking forward to it...

Today was interview day, and one certain Beatle was not excited about it.

Paul had somehow woke up just as tired as he had been when he drifted to sleep at one in the morning. He hadn’t really meant to stay out that late, he wanted to try to sleep earlier because of the interview, but George brought home a snack he loved and told everyone they needed to try it. The said snack was smothered in layers of chocolate with a creamy caramel inside, and although Paul’s body begged for more, the thought of the calories in it made him nauseous. So when he was sure everyone was asleep he did as he had the night before, creeping down the stairs and slowly opening the door because softly closing it and sprinting down the street. 

He needed to do more than he usually did; he couldn’t see the calorie count on the back of the candy wrapper but he couldn’t imagine how many calories a piece would be.

_ 100 calories? _

_ 200? _

_ 300? _

_ 1,000? _

He knew it was dumb, a single piece of chocolate wasn't going to ruin his life, and it certainly can’t be more than 200 calories, let alone 1,000! But the thought still echoed in his mind.

It was like he could feel his body digesting it and turning it to fat.

So he ran.

He booked it through the neighborhood and onto the one next to it like he was being chased by some terrible beast. He never went this fast or ran this long before, but he just kept thinking of the piece of chocolate and the reporters.

_ Get this shit out of me! _

So now he was laying in bed, listening to John as he got dressed and ready for the interview they had in two hours, trying to move as little as possible in hopes of not worsening the aches that every inch of him felt. But there was a weird satisfaction in the pain, the fact that he’d worked out so much he ached, the thoughts of the fans screaming at him for his looks again, made a sort of pride burst in his aching chest.

“Aren’t ya gonna get up ‘Macca?” John asked while putting on his tie.

Paul moved into a more comfortable position before answering, “yeah in an hour or so, you just go ahead and have breakfast without me.” 

He heard John jokingly mumble about Paul being lazy before walking out of their room, closing the door softly behind him. 

Paul then closed his eyes and tried to prepare himself for the day ahead. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Aye, where’s Paul?” 

George was sat on a barstool beside the kitchen counter, eating a couple of slices of toast smothered in jam, while Ringo sat on the couch, sipping an orange juice and reading the paper. 

“Upstairs in bed still, bastard looked tired as all get out,” John replied, opening the fridge in hopes of finding something edible. 

“Hope he’s not sick or somethin.’” 

“Well if he is or not,” George started getting up with his empty plate and putting it in the sick, “He better get his ass out of bed in an hour or we aren’t gonna make it to the interview in time.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They had made it to the interview in time, currently standing around as the interviewer holds out the mic, asking them seemingly endless questions.

Paul didn’t feel well, at all. He felt like any moment he would pass out but tried his best to make it look like he was okay.

But damn was that easier said than done.

He felt lightheaded, and couldn’t think properly to answer any of the questions, and trying to decipher and process what the man was saying to them was a difficult task on its own. So he just stood there, trying his best to ignore the weird tingly feeling he felt through his body and put on an act.

He’d been doing that a lot recently. 

  
  
  


John was trying to catch glimpses of his friend whenever he could, making sure he was okay, He looked pale and like he wasn’t all there, barely answering the questions and just looking down at his feet.

The Beatle looked at his other bandmates, trying to somehow explain to them just through a stare.

_ Something’s wrong with Paul, we need to end this interview as soon as possible _

Eventually, it seemed the other Beatles noticed how Paul had been acting so strange and tried to answer the interviewer as fast as they could without seeming too suspicious. 

Finally, that part of the interview was over, and they were halfway done. In the next segment, they were to sit around a small square table and advertise a company that was sponsoring the show the interview would be broadcasting on, they’ve done it multiple times before and it shouldn’t be that bad, plus Paul was just glad he could finally sit down.

But the problem was, the company made food. But at this point, Paul couldn’t really focus enough to care, and maybe if he ate something he’d have a higher chance of making it to their home without passing out on the way there. So, when they were given the food and instructed to eat some of the treats and show how much they liked it, Paul grabbed one of the small pink frosted biscuits and ate it quickly, while the others were bantering about the food, he kept grabbing a biscuit and devouring it. 

“You need to slow down son, no one's gonna take it away from you,” John said in a joking tone, but the sentence seemed to bring Paul back to the present and sitting the half eaten snack down, feeling slightly guilty. 

“Sorry, it’s just really good!” Paul replied, trying his best to smile at the camera. 

  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was the early afternoon the day after the interview, and Paul was still in bed as the rest of the band was lounging downstairs, keeping themselves busy. 

After they got home from the interview yesterday, they all agreed that Paul definitely didn’t look well, and he should rest until they have their concert the next night so he’ll feel up to it.

So there they were, Ringo solving a small puzzle on the coffee table, George reading a book, and John lounging on the sofa reading the paper.

Eventually, though, the singer came across an article that got his attention.

  
  


' **Beatle, Paul McCartney, looking ill during their newest interview'**

John quickly read through the article, which talked about how ill and skinny Paul had looked during the interview, John couldn’t help but scoff at the skinny part, Paul looked fine like he always had, he told himself, trying to ignore the concern he felt.

“See, I told you in a week or two they’d be complaining about how skinny he looked! Didn’t I!”

The other two got up to see the paper that John was holding out towards them, before grabbing it and reading it silently.

“They’re really something, those reporters…” George mumbled looking at the article.

“Can’t for the life of me figure out why they’re so obsessed with Paul, let alone how much he weighs,” John replied walking to the record player before picking out a record and putting it on. 

“He has looked a little thinner though, noticed he hasn’t been eating as much as he normally does”

John felt the worry in him grow more with Ringo’s words, he had hoped he’d somehow imagined Paul not eating as much as he did, or losing weight. 

“We’ll just keep an eye on him then, it’s probably just being on tour or something” John stated, sinking back into the sofa, hoping to get rid of the worry clawing at his stomach. 

The other Beatles nodded their heads, before going back to what they were doing earlier.

  
  
  


  
  


  
  
  


  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loosely based this off the 1963 interview since Paul was actually sick there and I kind of imagined him doing the same thing here as he did in that interview! I really want to update again this week, but most likely won't have time...
> 
> Thank you for all the lovely comments, I'd love to be able to read more :)


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's growing concerned after realizing somethings about Paul.

John really didn’t want to worry. He realized it was probably nothing and just-well- Paul being Paul. 

_ But still _

He couldn’t help the fact that every weird thing he noticed about Paul and the way he was acting made worry and concern grow inside him.

First off, Paul was, in fact, losing weight, it wasn’t just his mind playing with him like he originally thought, or the reporters just wanting something to write about. John noticed that his Beatle suit fits loose on him now, and that he’s been buying more belts.

He also can only remember a small handful of times he’s actually seen Paul eat in front of him in the last weeks, and even then it was small portions of things, or just soups and food that’s considered “healthy”. 

And he sleeps a lot more, and gets annoyed faster than he did before; when they’re out walking he takes longer ways to get somewhere, or always takes the stairs. He also seems weaker, not helping them after a concert as much as he used too.

John’s came to the conclusion that  _ something is in fact wrong _ , but what?

He’s racked his brain about it before drifting off to sleep, what makes someone act like that? He can only think that maybe the tour is getting to him? Or he’s sick and he’s just not telling them?

It just didn’t make any sense to him. So he asked the two best people he could think of for help.

Ringo and George.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paul’s away for an interview and likely won’t be back for a while, leaving the other three Beatles alone in the small townhome they’re renting, and soon, will have to leave. 

While the Beatle is away, John decides to take his plan into action.

He gets off his bed where he was lounging and listening to music and walks towards George and Ringo’s room, feeling slightly nervous.

“Hey, can we talk for a bit?”

Ringo and George were sitting on the floor of their room, playing a card game, but upon John’s entrance they both stood up, leaving the cards forgotten on the floor.

“Yeah, what's on your mind?” Ringo said, sitting on his bed, making it bounce slightly.

“It’s about Paul”

  
  


And so John tries his best to describe everything that’s going on and what he’s noticed, not really knowing what he wanted Ringo and George to say about it. A small bit of him was hoping they’d laugh at him and tell him he was thinking too much into it, and that Paul was acting normal.

But instead, they agreed.

“I noticed something kind of weird too,” Ringo stated, finding a more comfortable position on his bed, “I was up a little later one night, just thinkin’ and stuff, and I heard you and Paul’s door open, before the front door opened and closed, and i just thought that maybe you went out or something and just didn’t mention it.” Ringo said, shrugging his shoulders”

“I haven't gone anywhere” John replied, “that had to have been Paul.”

“He probably just needed something at the store, or went for a walk, can’t think of any other reason why he would just leave in the middle of the night.” 

“I can’t either,” John replied.

“I think he should just keep our eyes on him, if we notice anything then we’ll say something, it’s probably just the tour or something, he’ll tell us eventually, I think” George stated.

“Yeah, hopefully” John replied before saying his goodbyes then opening the door and walking back to his room.

What Ringo had said about his mate leaving in the middle of the night didn’t help calm his nerves, this had to all relate to each other somehow.

_ But how? And why? _

  
  


  
  
  
  


  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See I said this chapter will hopefully come out this week, although quite late! Next two chapters should come out fairly quickly, since they're already planned out and my week doesn't seem very busy :)   
> Also feel like this chapters really short! And I'm so sorry about that! But the next one should be long!
> 
> Thank you guys for reading and commenting! It means so much to me!!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paul doesn't have an eating disorder, even if he does sometimes throw up if he thinks he ate too much, nope, no eating disorder here!

Paul is beginning to feel suffocated.

He understands that it’s probably the paranoia of someone finding out about his eating habits, but he can’t ignore the looks of concern with a tad bit of confusion when he eats dinner with his bandmates and half of his food is still on his plate when he declares he’s full. 

Or the quick glances he catches John and George give each other when he lays his head against the window on the bus; exhausted after a gig. 

The thing that concerned him the most was when John had asked him as nonchalantly as possible just where Ringo had heard him going to early in the morning, and Paul trying his best to shrug it off and making up some stupid lie about how he needed something from the store and couldn’t wait. Now he tries to be quieter and listen closely to make sure everyone's asleep when he ventures out at night. 

He also has grown the habit of pulling out the pages of the article from a while ago he had torn out and stuck in his pocket on the whim; and when no one's around, reading the comments on his body whenever he feels hungry. 

He dirties dishes now too, going to the kitchen and grabbing a clean plate before smearing jam or other food items on it and putting it in the sink or taking wrappers of food and leaving them around the house, he understands the others probably wouldn’t even notice something like that, but it helps calm his fear of them finding out. 

He also wears more layers of clothing, he’s cold all the time and he hopes the extra layers will make him not look too skinny, which he believes is ridiculously funny, because the reason he’s doing this is to look skinny and fit, and now he's covering it up!

He also has excused himself to throw up a couple of times, a small voice in the back of his mind tells him this isn’t normal, that people with healthy relationships with food don’t starve themselves and then vomit what they do eat, but he’s gotten good at lying to himself, and telling himself that because he only does it a few times if he thinks he’s eaten too much, and not every day that he’s fine, and it’s nothing to be worried about. He’s aware he needs to stop at some point soon since they’ll be leaving the city they’re and start staying at hotels again, and the walls being so thin there he’ll probably wake up the whole hotel with his retching. 

He remembers watching television when he was in middle school or the beginning of high school and a documentary about eating disorders had come on. It had to have been early in the morning when they play random documentaries or shows no one really watches. But there he was, watching the movie; he didn’t know that much about anything like that, he remembers it being briefly mentioned a handful of times in his life or seeing something about it in the paper a few times, but nothing he was knowledgeable about. He remembers watching it and wondering why anyone would do that to themselves, and now he wishes he still didn’t know the answer. 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! First off sorry for not posting in so long! School has been crazy and I know but it's almost the end of the school year where I am so I'm not so caught up in work anymore, meaning I write here more often!! :) And sorry for the short chapter!!
> 
> Also, I know that it can be difficult to actually realize you have a problem, especially with an ED because diet culture can be in your face all the time and you don't realize what you're doing is unhealthy before it's too late, or you aren't informed enough about eating disorders to even know the warning signs, like what Paul is going through! 
> 
> Thank you for commenting and leaving kudos, it's very much appreciated:) The next chapter should be out sometimes this week

**Author's Note:**

> I've only seen like two stories?? I think that has this same plot, and it makes me upset since I always relate to them and love to read them. So I thought 'why not write your own?' so here we are!  
> Also, I'm still pretty new to the Beatles fandom, so everything isn't going to fit perfectly with the actual history of The Beatles, so bear with me!  
> I also want to say, I believe all body types are beautiful, and all that matters is that you love yourself and that you're healthy! I know the '60s were a different time, of course, that's why the comments on poor Paul's appearance are the way they are. See you guys next chapter! Would love it if you commented!!


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